Say, “Yes.”

Mother’s Day- Sunday, May 12, 2019, 9:38 a.m.

My text to Beck: “Happy Mother’s Day!”

Beck texted back: “Happy Mother’s Day love u”

Later that night, we watched “Game of Thrones” together. After a while, I got up and said, “Good night”. She stayed in the front room for a few minutes after and then went upstairs.

Monday, May 13, 2020

Christina wanted to take me out for dinner for Mother’s Day. I picked her up around 6:35. She said, “We should pick up Rebecca and take her with us.”

I said, “Yes.”

I texted Rebecca at 6:42 p.m. “We’re outside.”

She came outside and we went to the Olive Garden. We sat, talked and ate together. Christina and I sat on one side and Rebecca sat across from us at the table. She had shrimp alfredo, I think. I had lasagna. Normally, I take photos of everything and everyone. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to use my phone.

I said, “Yes” to being present.

We left the restaurant on 76th street, and Christina suggested that we pick up Tony who was working down the road at Red Robin.

I said, “Yes.”

We picked him up, and we drove. I remember thinking that I wanted to take the long way home. When it was just the four of us, and we had no money, I would put them in the car when they were little and we would just drive and listen to music.

So I drove down Layton avenue, and along the way, I saw each road that would take us home sooner, and I chose to go just a bit farther because we were together. I went towards the lake, drove down Lake Drive.

Doris Day died that day, so we played a few songs of hers. Rebecca had control of the music. She decided to play 90’s music. She said that 90’s music was the best.

We drove to Christina’s house on K.K avenue and dropped her off. I waited to watch Christina cross the street. She met up with a friend. Rebecca and I watched her talk with the friend, and I said to her, “What’s up with that?” and Beck laughed, “No.”

We then drove down Lincoln avenue. She saw a house on 23rd and Lincoln that was destroyed by fire and she was surprised to see it so.

We drove to the house and went in and sat in the front room. I played some Dave Chappelle/Charlie Murphy videos on the T.V. while she sat on the couch. She was sitting there half-watching and half-looking at her phone. We were mostly quiet. After a few videos, I got up and said, “Good night.”

This was the last night we were all together, and it was because we all said, “Yes.” We chose well. It was a night of laughter, conversation, and togetherness.

I didn’t hear any voices or see any signs that told me what to do, but there was a pull for me to drive just a bit farther down the road so we could be in the car as one unit once again.

 The Road Not Taken 
By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

If you look at me, you may not see my wounds. I have all my fingers, arms, and legs that I was born with.

When a mother loses a child, there’s a feeling that is similar, I suppose, to that of one who loses a limb.

As the date of her death is approaching, I’m feeling afraid. I’m afraid of the pain. The memory of that day, weeks afterward.

Does time heal all wounds? No, I’m afraid it doesn’t. Not this.

Once a child is gone, what is left? Memories, remanents of clothes, and pictures. A person who loses a leg, can get a prosthetic leg and learn to walk again, but what can a mother do?

A mother can keep walking forward, but there’s always the pain. There’s always an ache and a limp that only another mother who lost a child can recognize.

A person who loses a limb sometimes reaches out to touch the phantom limb when the ache overcomes them. Similarly, a mother reaches out.

The advice I give myself is to keep walking, even if it hurts, keep going on.

A silhouette of a woman with a prosthetic leg going up on the slope. The concept of rehabilitation of people with prosthetic legs

Quantum Entanglement: Or Why We’re Never Really Separated From The Ones We Love

I read the following from Space.com’s article, “Quantum Entanglement: Love on a Subatomic Scale,”

The basic idea of quantum entanglement is that two particles can be intimately linked to each other even if separated by billions of light-years of space; a change induced in one will affect the other.

Jesse Emspak (2016)
A mother, on the atomic level, will always be connected to her child.

In order to process our thoughts and feelings about death, we try to understand it in terms we know. For me, it’s through my understanding of time and distance that I try to understand her death.

Rebecca was with me and now she is not.

Time: May 18, 2019, was the last time I held her in my arms. 287 days. 2 hours and 5 minutes.

Distance: Close and far.

As we go about life, we’re leaving impressions and memories. There are echos of ourselves that we leave as we move about during our days on this earth. People perceive us and the impressions of our voice, smile, temper, thoughts, touch and so on–their sensory receptors collecting each particle of what makes us–us.

Memories are created by cellular activity. Cells are made of trillions of atoms. Atoms never die.

The love atom

I wrote a poem many years ago, “How to Make a Memory.” It was about my brother, John.

Before my brother died, on his deathbed, I held his hand and tried to memorize every detail.

Make a mark on their hearts

The whorl of his fingerprint. The unusual shape of his thumb.

His face and strong chin. The freckles had a sheen of sweat. His sandy brown hair and the scar from his surgery that went from one ear all the way over his head to the other ear.

I put his right hand to the right side of my cheek and I breathed in. The impression of him is in my head. The molecular makeup of John impressed into my brain, heart, and soul.

The echoes of Beck float around me. I breathe in and out and she is with me. Quantum Entanglement–she is a particle that is connected to me and I with her.

Atoms never die.

A Trick of the Eye

Do you ever stare into space and see the sights before you, but you’re really not focused on anything in particular. Your brain is quiet for a few brief moments.

I’ve found that when I stare off into nothing, I can imagine Beck’s face, hair, smile better than when I don’t.

I don’t know why that happens, but it’s a lovely place to visit if only for a few seconds.

Quotes on Silence

A Helping Hand

Many years ago, a family friend asked me to help her in the delivery room when she gave birth to her daughter. In the middle of her labor, she decided she was giving up. She refused to push. The nurses and doctor tried everything to get her to push, but she just wouldn’t do it.

So I climbed in the bed behind her, grabbed her legs and held them in position and spoke words of encouragement in her ear. The nurses said they never saw anything like it.

I don’t know why I did it. I didn’t even think about it–I just did it. Upon reflection, a woman helping another woman during birth is primal–it’s what we do.

That’s a natural thing to do–helping a woman give birth, but what about when a mother loses a child?

When a mother loses a child, there’s no one who jumps in and whispers words of encouragement. There’s no one to sit for hours through the pain. People are more willing to sit and wait on the brink of a joyful event, but not when there’s emptiness.

My mom lost my brother when he was 16, and I would imagine she would offer advice, but there is none. She is still dealing with the pain of losing John and now a grand-daughter, and there’s only so much she can give.

There are moments that I want to talk, ask questions, hear words that will show me the way. And then, I think, no one can possibly imagine the loss I feel because they didn’t lose Rebecca. I did. I’m the one who carried her for 9 months, gave birth and cared for her. I’m her mom. How can someone share their experience with me when each pain, each loss, is unique.

There’s no insight in this post. There’s only the acknowledgment that losing a child is a lonely walk. I can talk about her with people who loved her–and some greatly–but no one was her mom–just me.

Labor is labor. Pain is pain. I’m a good coach, so I will talk myself through this. I feel that the payoff will be a feeling of closeness and peace with my girl, my baby.

I can’t Double Dutch.

Robin Rhode, Double Dutch, 2016

I can’t skip Double Dutch. I never could. There’s a rhythm to it. You have to know how to jump in, and avoid getting slapped in the face with the thin, plastic rope and get laughed at by the kids on the playground.

I’ve watched others keep time with their bodies–slightly keeping time with the ropes and then just jump in at the right time. I can’t do that, so I never learned how.

I’ve been avoiding places and experiences where Beck was–or where we were with her.

I didn’t vote last week. Voting was something we did as a family. Since Christina was a baby, I made it a point to bring my kids to vote, but last week, I couldn’t physically make my body go. I couldn’t text my kids and organize them so we could all go together.

There’s a rhythm to this. This movement of jumping into a space where she once was. I don’t know how to walk through the door of our voting place. I can’t go and not see us together.

I feel the hesitation, the uncertainty and the fear of pain.

There are so many places where we’ve been. Now, there are so many moments of trepidation.

I recently read a letter from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 -1926) in the Paris Review (9/6/2018) where he offers consolation and advice to a friend who lost her brother.

Rilke Letters on Grief

Grand Hôtel, August 1st, 1913

My Dear Sidie,

Your letter really touches my heart. On the one hand, I want to encourage you in your pain so that you will completely experience it in all its fullness, because as the experience of a new intensity it is a great life experience and leads everything back again to life, like everything that reaches a certain degree of greatest strength. But on the other hand, I am very concerned when I imagine how strangled and cut off you currently live, afraid of touching anything that is filled with memories (and what is not filled with memories?). You will freeze in place if you remain this way. You must not, dear. You have to move. You have to return to his things. You have to touch with your hands his things, which through their manifold relations and attraction are after all also yours. You must, Sidie, (this is the task that this incomprehensible fate imposes upon you), you must continue his life inside of yours insofar as it has been unfinished; his life has now passed onto yours. You, who quite truly knew him, can quite truly continue in his spirit and on his path. Make it the task of your mourning to explore what he had expected of you, had hoped for you, had wished to happen to you. If I could just convince you, my dear friend, that his influence has not vanished from your existence (how much more reliably I feel my father to be effective and helpful in me since he no longer dwells among us). Just think how much in our daily lives misleads and troubles us, and renders another person’s love imprecise for us. But now he is definitely here, now he is completely free to be here and we are completely free to feel him … Haven’t you felt your father’s influence and compassion a thousand times from the universe where all, truly all, Sidie, is beyond loss? Don’t believe that something that belongs to our pure realities could drop away and simply cease. Whatever had such steady influence on us had already been a reality independent of all the circumstances familiar to us here. This is precisely why we experienced it as something so different and independent of an actual need: because from the very beginning, it had no longer been aimed at and determined by our existence here. All of our true relationships, all of our enduring experiences touch upon and pass through everything, Sidie, through life and death. We must live in bothbe intimately at home in both. I know individuals who already face the one and the other without fear and with the same love—for is life really more demystified and safely entrusted to us than that other condition? Are not both conditions in a place namelessly beyond us, out of reach? We are true and pure only in our willingness to the whole, the undecided, the great, to the greatest. Alas, if I could tell you just how I know it, then deep within your mourning, a tiny kernel of dark joy would take shape. Make it your ambition to take heart. Start doing so this very evening by playing Beethoven; he also was committed to the whole.

Yours, Rainer

I’m Not Afraid Anymore.

The greatest fear a mother has is losing her child. When you lose a child, you lose the emotion that anchors you to this world.

List of things I’m not afraid of:

  • Dying
  • Telling my truth
  • Being poor
  • Losing my job
  • Failing
  • Saying goodbye
  • Getting lost
  • Speaking in front of large groups
  • Trying new things
  • Talking to anyone regardless of position or title

Did I lose my fear or am I getting strength from Beck, my ancestors, God, Angels, and Mary?

A message from my people.

What Happens When We Die-According to me.

Maybe 25% of the mental torment I’m feeling is the question, “Will I see Rebecca again?” Yes, I believe in God. I believe in Heaven. But I still wonder and worry.

I wrote the following for my sister-in-law, Sonia. I read it at her funeral. She died a few years ago. She was a remarkable woman. I admired her greatly.

I re-read the following recently. I believe what I wrote is true.

What can I tell you about Sonia. She was the wheel within the wheel for her family. The Home that everyone gravitated to. I think that happens with a force of a woman-good energy draws people-also good food will do that too.

I’ve always admired her. I think I’m an average mom with some strengths and weaknesses. My area of weakness is physical affection and gentleness. I’m a drill sergeant mom to a certain degree-a drill sergeant who gives hugs from time to time, I guess. I never met her mom, Concepcion. I’ve asked Mando about her, and he’d described a mom that I wish I could have been. I could see Concepcion through Sonia-a woman who drew her family together, fed them, loved them, guided them.

So when I say that I’m grateful for Sonia, I don’t think that fully describes what l’m feeling. She was easy to talk with. A genuine soul-a really, real person. She took care of Danny from when he was 12 weeks old-till last Friday. Let me tell you about Friday. Normally after work, I call up and tell her I’m about 2 min away. She’d tell him to get ready, walk him to the door and wave good-bye. On Friday, I called and there was no answer, so I went inside. On Friday, we chatted while Danny got ready, she walked me to her back door by the kitchen, laughed at Danny for trying to walk out without his shoes. I said, “Thank you. Thank you.” In my head, I thought I was being weird for saying it twice-maybe three times, but I know I wanted to make sure she heard me. So let me tell you how I think God works. I think I was meant to get out of the car, walk into the house, and thank the woman who spent about 10,080 hours taking care of my boy. 10,080 hours.

Love is like food; it feeds the mind, body and soul. Danny never met his grandmother, Concepcion, but her brand of Love flowed through Sonia. He’ll carry different languages of Love in him. The language I speak and the language of Concepcion and Sonia. With this brand of Love, this language of Love, Danny will give and receive love with fluency and beauty that will make Concepcion and Sonia proud.

Let me tell you something that I believe. I believe that our bodies are just houses for our souls and spirits. Our soul belongs to God-pure and simple. We return to the Source who created us. Our spirits are different. Our spirits remain behind. I see my grandfather’s spirit in me and my children. I see Concepcion in her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren—as clear as if she was here. Our ancestor’s spirits whisper to us when we’re lonely-in a voice that speaks in our heart, guiding us, reminding us who we are.

Sonia will always be with us as long as we follow what she believed-family, love, and togetherness. Carry this on, and she’ll live for generations. I also believe that a second in heaven is a thousand years on earth. When she left us, she opened her eyes and saw God first-she saw her mom right after, and when she turns around she’ll see us walking toward her-with Squiggles barking at pretty much nothing.

I shared these feelings with Mando. He said that I can be all these things too. I think I can—if even partially. I’m going to try. I told Danny to do the things that would make her proud.

We should do this. We should try to practice her brand of Love. Be that Home that people gravitate to. When she left her home on Sunday, I said to Mando, it’s strange how this home became just a house without her. I know that when Concepcion died, she left a Grand Canyon size scar on their world. How did they go on? Filling the Grand Canyon with an ocean of Love doesn’t make the canyon go away, but it does fill it. Fill her Home-your Home with Love, Forgiveness and Peace. Let go of negative emotions-release it. Breathe in love and exhale the pain.

I’m writing this for Danny who feels her loss deeply. He’s afraid of going to her house and not seeing her there. When we do go to her house, I’m going to hold his hand, sit out on her front porch, and ask him what Sonia would want him to do and feel. After 10,080 hours of time spent with her, l’m sure he’ll hear her voice inside his little head, and he’ll know what to do.

Baby Beck

Beck was born with double strabismus–both of her eyes were crossed. I used to worry about how much she could see and what she was experiencing. She cried a lot, so I was always trying to comfort her. I would hold her close to me.

When she had her surgery, I had to wait with her in a room before she went into surgery. I was worried, but I tried to remain calm. The nurse came into the room, and I handed her over.

The surgery went well. Eventually, she had to wear glasses for a few years. She loved her glasses. She picked them out because of the color.

In May, when I walked Beck to the surgery room, I had a flashback to this time when she was two. I was handing my baby over.

Before she went into the surgery room, when we were alone, and I was saying my final “good-bye”, I pulled out my hair and tried to mix it with her hair. The thought of her going into surgery alone tormented me. I wanted to go with her, and all I could do was this.

Maybe when you see Beck, you see a grown woman. When I see her, I see my baby.