Maybe 25% of the mental torment I’m feeling is the question, “Will I see Rebecca again?” Yes, I believe in God. I believe in Heaven. But I still wonder and worry.
I wrote the following for my sister-in-law, Sonia. I read it at her funeral. She died a few years ago. She was a remarkable woman. I admired her greatly.
I re-read the following recently. I believe what I wrote is true.
What can I tell you about Sonia. She was the wheel within the wheel for her family. The Home that everyone gravitated to. I think that happens with a force of a woman-good energy draws people-also good food will do that too.
I’ve always admired her. I think I’m an average mom with some strengths and weaknesses. My area of weakness is physical affection and gentleness. I’m a drill sergeant mom to a certain degree-a drill sergeant who gives hugs from time to time, I guess. I never met her mom, Concepcion. I’ve asked Mando about her, and he’d described a mom that I wish I could have been. I could see Concepcion through Sonia-a woman who drew her family together, fed them, loved them, guided them.
So when I say that I’m grateful for Sonia, I don’t think that fully describes what l’m feeling. She was easy to talk with. A genuine soul-a really, real person. She took care of Danny from when he was 12 weeks old-till last Friday. Let me tell you about Friday. Normally after work, I call up and tell her I’m about 2 min away. She’d tell him to get ready, walk him to the door and wave good-bye. On Friday, I called and there was no answer, so I went inside. On Friday, we chatted while Danny got ready, she walked me to her back door by the kitchen, laughed at Danny for trying to walk out without his shoes. I said, “Thank you. Thank you.” In my head, I thought I was being weird for saying it twice-maybe three times, but I know I wanted to make sure she heard me. So let me tell you how I think God works. I think I was meant to get out of the car, walk into the house, and thank the woman who spent about 10,080 hours taking care of my boy. 10,080 hours.
Love is like food; it feeds the mind, body and soul. Danny never met his grandmother, Concepcion, but her brand of Love flowed through Sonia. He’ll carry different languages of Love in him. The language I speak and the language of Concepcion and Sonia. With this brand of Love, this language of Love, Danny will give and receive love with fluency and beauty that will make Concepcion and Sonia proud.
Let me tell you something that I believe. I believe that our bodies are just houses for our souls and spirits. Our soul belongs to God-pure and simple. We return to the Source who created us. Our spirits are different. Our spirits remain behind. I see my grandfather’s spirit in me and my children. I see Concepcion in her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren—as clear as if she was here. Our ancestor’s spirits whisper to us when we’re lonely-in a voice that speaks in our heart, guiding us, reminding us who we are.
Sonia will always be with us as long as we follow what she believed-family, love, and togetherness. Carry this on, and she’ll live for generations. I also believe that a second in heaven is a thousand years on earth. When she left us, she opened her eyes and saw God first-she saw her mom right after, and when she turns around she’ll see us walking toward her-with Squiggles barking at pretty much nothing.
I shared these feelings with Mando. He said that I can be all these things too. I think I can—if even partially. I’m going to try. I told Danny to do the things that would make her proud.
We should do this. We should try to practice her brand of Love. Be that Home that people gravitate to. When she left her home on Sunday, I said to Mando, it’s strange how this home became just a house without her. I know that when Concepcion died, she left a Grand Canyon size scar on their world. How did they go on? Filling the Grand Canyon with an ocean of Love doesn’t make the canyon go away, but it does fill it. Fill her Home-your Home with Love, Forgiveness and Peace. Let go of negative emotions-release it. Breathe in love and exhale the pain.
I’m writing this for Danny who feels her loss deeply. He’s afraid of going to her house and not seeing her there. When we do go to her house, I’m going to hold his hand, sit out on her front porch, and ask him what Sonia would want him to do and feel. After 10,080 hours of time spent with her, l’m sure he’ll hear her voice inside his little head, and he’ll know what to do.